After every breakup I wonder if I am going about relationships the wrong way, whether it is a romantic or platonic relationship. I am a pleaser, a helper, a martyr, moldable; the personality type is codependent. It’s something I don’t necessarily like about myself but it’s something that I bring into all relationships. Normally, I’m against using absolute words but in this case I will make an exception. I am codependent in ALL relationships. Being codependent allows me to be in control in the relationships. I dictate the terms of relationships whether or not it’s beneficial to me. Being codependent in relationships doesn’t allow me to recognize red flags as to when it’s time to leave. I rarely leave on a good note, often in pain and obsessing as to why someone would leave me. I obsess in ALL relationships:

 Am I a good daughter?
 Am I a good friend?
 Am I a good employee?
 Am I a good girlfriend?
 Am I a good driver?
 Am I a good student?

I’ve realized that this obsession over being good, great, or the best, will not help any relationship to grow and nourish independently. A reason for this is because I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable sucks. Can we agree that being vulnerable is worse than … *insert DIRECTV commercial here* In the midst of yet another shattered relationship, I still wonder why so many people, articles, love stories, accept vulnerability as a necessity for a healthy relationship. I don’t understand it; why anyone would open themselves to even more heartache? When I keep my walls up I’m less likely to get hurt. I’m safe but from what I’ve been told, I’m also a cold-hearted bitch.

The 10th Kingdom’s Snow White once asked, “How did you become so cold?” My response, I don’t know. I can’t tell people that I love them as I have yet to hear it back. Kevin, the first person that I loved romantically, never told me he loved me and we were together for eight years! I, maybe, told him four times. I knew I loved him but I also knew I would never hear it back, so why bother?

Someday, I hope someone will say it. But I hope they do so because they feel it. I often joke with my friend Christopher that Zach was the first guy who was close to saying I love you. He never said it; the closest was, I love being with you, I love waking up with you, I love holding you, etc. A month ago, I will admit, that I said I’ll take it. It’s the closest thing I’ve gotten in my 10 years of dating. Now a month later, seriously, it’s been a month since Zach broke up with me, I won’t accept an almost I love you. I want the whole shebang.

I would like to believe someone will love me despite my walls. Is there a way for me for me to be vulnerable yet guarded at the same time? Maybe there is a way for me to get into a relationship with someone and not be afraid of getting hurt. Maybe I have to accept that everyone will disappoint me but that is not their intent.

Maybe I am still lost in the forest. But lonely, lost girls like me can rescue themselves.