After every breakup I wonder if I am going about relationships the wrong way, whether it is a romantic or platonic relationship. I am a pleaser, a helper, a martyr, moldable; the personality type is codependent. It’s something I don’t necessarily like about myself but it’s something that I bring into all relationships. Normally, I’m against using absolute words but in this case I will make an exception. I am codependent in ALL relationships. Being codependent allows me to be in control in the relationships. I dictate the terms of relationships whether or not it’s beneficial to me. Being codependent in relationships doesn’t allow me to recognize red flags as to when it’s time to leave. I rarely leave on a good note, often in pain and obsessing as to why someone would leave me. I obsess in ALL relationships:
Am I a good daughter?
Am I a good friend?
Am I a good employee?
Am I a good girlfriend?
Am I a good driver?
Am I a good student?
I’ve realized that this obsession over being good, great, or the best, will not help any relationship to grow and nourish independently. A reason for this is because I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable sucks. Can we agree that being vulnerable is worse than … *insert DIRECTV commercial here* In the midst of yet another shattered relationship, I still wonder why so many people, articles, love stories, accept vulnerability as a necessity for a healthy relationship. I don’t understand it; why anyone would open themselves to even more heartache? When I keep my walls up I’m less likely to get hurt. I’m safe but from what I’ve been told, I’m also a cold-hearted bitch.
The 10th Kingdom’s Snow White once asked, “How did you become so cold?” My response, I don’t know. I can’t tell people that I love them as I have yet to hear it back. Kevin, the first person that I loved romantically, never told me he loved me and we were together for eight years! I, maybe, told him four times. I knew I loved him but I also knew I would never hear it back, so why bother?
Someday, I hope someone will say it. But I hope they do so because they feel it. I often joke with my friend Christopher that Zach was the first guy who was close to saying I love you. He never said it; the closest was, I love being with you, I love waking up with you, I love holding you, etc. A month ago, I will admit, that I said I’ll take it. It’s the closest thing I’ve gotten in my 10 years of dating. Now a month later, seriously, it’s been a month since Zach broke up with me, I won’t accept an almost I love you. I want the whole shebang.
I would like to believe someone will love me despite my walls. Is there a way for me for me to be vulnerable yet guarded at the same time? Maybe there is a way for me to get into a relationship with someone and not be afraid of getting hurt. Maybe I have to accept that everyone will disappoint me but that is not their intent.
Maybe I am still lost in the forest. But lonely, lost girls like me can rescue themselves.
The question you missed is possibly the most important. “Do I like me?” Everything else you asked was in relation to how you affect other people. You have to love yourself first, then someone else will fall in line and follow suit. It starts with you, it ends with “them”. I truly enjoyed this. Wonderful writing.
Thank you for the comment. My first comment in my blog.
I haven’t answer the “Do I like me?” question yet, as I do not know who I am in relation to myself. I could tell you how I act around people and how each person serves a different need within our relationship but I couldn’t tell you how I act alone. And this is something I am working on very hard.
Geoff is right. You need to love yourself first; otherwise you don’t have a co-dependent relationship. You have a dependent one. First you need to develop independence, and then co-dependence can come from that.
Yes you are correct like Geoff is correct. First I have to learn to love myself and take care of myself before I can do the same to other human being.
But I want to explain to you what codependency is:
“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.” – © 2013 Mental Health America
And I only explain it because of this: