I was clinically diagnosed with depression in 2011 to the dismay of my mother, who is under the self-righteous belief that depression is non-existent. In her eyes, I have merely been a weak, self-absorbed child who wasn’t hit enough. The fact that I am a 28-year-old woman doesn’t even faze her; in her eyes, I’m still a child. Time and time again, I’ve been told that I am selfish and ungrateful. As a result, my own subconscious has been reinforcing the same misconstrued belief. I am weak. I have made myself as weak as possible which has only resulting in me proving my mother right. For example, I never lifted anything that was more than maybe 20 pounds until I started training in December of 2011. I wasn’t allowed to. And how could I? I was weak. This has been the mindset I held for a very long time.
My weakness hasn’t been limited to simple physical stuff. As a kid I was told that if I cry, I was weak. If I trusted in friends, I was weak. If I surrendered to peer pressure, I was weak. If I fell in love, it was a measure of weakness. Everything about me was weak. So I didn’t cry instead retreating into seclusion. I choose to have as few friends as possible. With these ideas implanted into my childhood, I figured I was better off alone. Being a hermit meant I wouldn’t be hurt. Instead of feeling good about the empathy or compassion that I felt for the world around me, I became cold. Distant. Til this day I cry other over two incidents where I could have possible helped someone in need but instead my mother told me to look away. Everything I have become has only demonstrated how weak I truly am. I allowed myself to fall in love. I chose to leave my house and eave on campus and what did that get me? A sexual assault and a boyfriend who was afraid that I would kill myself if he left. I chose to leave the security of my own house and family; I chose to leave the thing that was telling me that I was weak. I was weak because I didn’t learn how to support myself in many ways. And now as an adult, I often feel overwhelmed in a crash course of coping techniques.
In the midst of my weakness I decided to seek help. Not for me personally but for the relationship that I had with Kevin. While in therapy, my beliefs started to change and as my trainer would say, I fell out of alignment. I no longer cared whether Kevin and I survived in a relationship. I started questioning myself but I wasn’t ready to address anything other than my relationship with Kevin. The relationship ultimately ended. Instead of being “us” or “we,” it was now me. I was helpless and lost and plagued by this misalignment.
I didn’t know what was wrong was. I had gotten out of a relationship with a man who I had loved for 8 years (I still wonder if I loved him), we had a deceased child, and I had survived, a bit broken but still I survived. I had become stronger as I no longer felt that suicide was the only answer to every problem that I faced. But something or really someone kept scratching at one of my unhealed wounds.
Christopher was pestering with a question that I didn’t want to answer. Each time he asked, I felt my blood boil. I wanted to yell at him. But I didn’t. And this continued until he became frustrated with me. How could I admit to anyone that No. I didn’t deserve happiness. At least I didn’t think I did.
My misalignment lies in the fact that everyone does deserve happiness. Everyone deserves to be strong not just have fake smiles. Everyone means including me. I deserve to be happy.
Now I just have to believe it because my ability to heal from my weakness comes from knowing, that I will heal.
angiesadventuresinwonderland 
We all have enough to be happy right now, in this moment. We simply have to take stock of what it is that we have, and give ourself permission to be so.