I was clinically diagnosed with depression in 2011 to the dismay of my mother, who is under the self-righteous belief that depression is non-existent. In her eyes, I have merely been a weak, self-absorbed child who wasn’t hit enough. The fact that I am a 28-year-old woman doesn’t even faze her; in her eyes, I’m still a child. Time and time again, I’ve been told that I am selfish and ungrateful. As a result, my own subconscious has been reinforcing the same misconstrued belief. I am weak. I have made myself as weak as possible which has only resulting in me proving my mother right. For example, I never lifted anything that was more than maybe 20 pounds until I started training in December of 2011. I wasn’t allowed to. And how could I? I was weak. This has been the mindset I held for a very long time.
My weakness hasn’t been limited to simple physical stuff. As a kid I was told that if I cry, I was weak. If I trusted in friends, I was weak. If I surrendered to peer pressure, I was weak. If I fell in love, it was a measure of weakness. Everything about me was weak. So I didn’t cry instead retreating into seclusion. I choose to have as few friends as possible. With these ideas implanted into my childhood, I figured I was better off alone. Being a hermit meant I wouldn’t be hurt. Instead of feeling good about the empathy or compassion that I felt for the world around me, I became cold. Distant. Til this day I cry other over two incidents where I could have possible helped someone in need but instead my mother told me to look away. Everything I have become has only demonstrated how weak I truly am. I allowed myself to fall in love. I chose to leave my house and eave on campus and what did that get me? A sexual assault and a boyfriend who was afraid that I would kill myself if he left. I chose to leave the security of my own house and family; I chose to leave the thing that was telling me that I was weak. I was weak because I didn’t learn how to support myself in many ways. And now as an adult, I often feel overwhelmed in a crash course of coping techniques.
In the midst of my weakness I decided to seek help. Not for me personally but for the relationship that I had with Kevin. While in therapy, my beliefs started to change and as my trainer would say, I fell out of alignment. I no longer cared whether Kevin and I survived in a relationship. I started questioning myself but I wasn’t ready to address anything other than my relationship with Kevin. The relationship ultimately ended. Instead of being “us” or “we,” it was now me. I was helpless and lost and plagued by this misalignment.
I didn’t know what was wrong was. I had gotten out of a relationship with a man who I had loved for 8 years (I still wonder if I loved him), we had a deceased child, and I had survived, a bit broken but still I survived. I had become stronger as I no longer felt that suicide was the only answer to every problem that I faced. But something or really someone kept scratching at one of my unhealed wounds.
Christopher was pestering with a question that I didn’t want to answer. Each time he asked, I felt my blood boil. I wanted to yell at him. But I didn’t. And this continued until he became frustrated with me. How could I admit to anyone that No. I didn’t deserve happiness. At least I didn’t think I did.
My misalignment lies in the fact that everyone does deserve happiness. Everyone deserves to be strong not just have fake smiles. Everyone means including me. I deserve to be happy.
Now I just have to believe it because my ability to heal from my weakness comes from knowing, that I will heal.