My life is stagnant and I am having a hard time coping. I feel like I am battling a war inside my head, mostly emotionally, because I don’t know what to do. As a result, my emotions are in full swing towards negativity and I can’t seem to come out of it. When I look at myself in the mirror I think of Linda Blair from The Exorcist. I see all the horrible demons that I suppress just out in the open for the whole world to see. Every horrible feeling that I can possible have comes out and is in competition with each other. It’s so exhausting and demanding.
The last two or three weeks I have been waking up with anxiety, not anxiety attacks, but it feels like something bad is going to happen. I get out of bed exhausted. It’s impacting the way I get ready in the morning. I move very slowly to the point I am running late by 15 to 20 minutes. I don’t care at first but then it hits me… I am running late! Adrenaline pumping through my veins forcing me to make rash decisions. I am annoyed at my parents as they stop me because they are asking me questions. I want to scream at them to just stop talking to me. I don’t care what they have to say. I just want them out of my way. Can’t they see that I am late, again?!?!
I am constantly being on the verge of what I consider an emotional breakdown. I want to cry in the car on the way to work but I don’t. I hold it in because I’m afraid of the tears making me lose my eye sight and them BAM I cause an accident. So instead, I become an aggressive driver. More than once I have had to slam on my brakes because I wasn’t fully paying attention.
By the time I get to work I want to be back home. I don’t want to work on anything because it’s not important. 90% of the work load I have is not important. I doubt anyone would notice if I stopped working. I haven’t even bothered putting on a smile for the kids that come in. I don’t want to hear the words that are coming out of their mouths. I can’t tell them to simply shut the fuck up. I want to tell them go ahead scribble on the walls. You see that pedestal go for it buddy, just knock that shit over because who gives a fuck. That “piece of art” is just horse shit. As much as I try to “catch up” I just feel like I’m getting further behind in my work. As much as I am working and trying to pull my weight, I no longer believe that I can. I don’t care about customer service because I am trying desperately to take care of myself but failing miserably.
Then by 3:30PM I feel horrible. I see myself as a bad role model, a shitty employee; 5PM comes around and the adrenaline hits me again. I am attempting to finish a whole day’s workload. This is my life five days a week: feeling like a failure. I have all these “extracurricular” activities happening Tuesday through Friday as I try to advance in my life: wanting to retain my heritage, wanting to work on my health (mentally, physically, emotionally), and working on acquiring an additional language. It’s exhausting when 75% of the time I don’t even want to get out of bed. I stopped going to dance and working out with my trainer. I just don’t care. I want to yell at them. Not for any particular reason but yell at them. Thankfully, my senses have allowed me to retain my therapist. For six hours on Thursday, I am able to relax.
I feel so aggressive and yet ultimately powerless. It’s just a strange mix. I am angry, frustrated, annoyed, critical, ashamed, destructive with everyone: friends, parents, siblings, Andrew, and the world. I am so self-critical that I beat myself up. This is just adding to the exhaustion that I feel. I go to bed reminding myself just how much I screwed up throughout the day. I’m a horrible worker, girlfriend, daughter, if I really want a low blow I remind myself just how much of a shitty parent I am. I wasn’t even able to save my daughter. This is just the icing on the cake when I am in need for self-humiliation.
I am angry for the negative feelings that I have. I know those around me are angry with me as well. I am angry at myself for not being able to leave my job. I am angry for not getting into a PhD program. I am angry for losing my necklace. And I’m angry for believing that my feelings are simply mundane. Other people tell me to stop feeling bad or being so selfish or self-centered. People tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. There are worse things in things world. I shut up and leave myself to my thoughts and emotions and I’m right back to the exorcist.
Andrew let me know that he is refusing to feed into my anxiety, depression, and anger. He wants me to stop dwelling and being so serious. But that is exactly who I am, I dwell. I am a serious person. I can’t even have a simple meal without thinking I made the wrong choice. I don’t want to pull away from him nor do I want him to pull away from me. I don’t want to bring him down because of my failures and emotions, but I am very sad and upset. I want to be comforted but I have no idea how. I wish I could say Andrew, I am sad and because I am sad, I need you to hug me, kiss me, buy me ice cream, a cup of coffee, take me to the movie, etc, etc…. I don’t know if any of that stuff would actually make me feel better or simply annoy me. I’m afraid of being an ungrateful and horrible girlfriend. I’m afraid that he would simply be mocking me even though he might genuinely want to comfort me. I shut up and leave myself to my thoughts and emotions and I’m right back to the exorcist.
How do you ask for help? Everyone I know is battling their own demons or are trying to celebrate their successes.I don’t want to rain on their parade. I keep thinking I am being left out of what life has to offer. It’s hard to accept. I am removing myself from situations because I don’t think people can handle me right now. This is me at my worst (and no, I don’t think anyone should have to handle me at my best because my best isn’t good enough either <– see what I mean?!?!) . I’m trying to contain everything so I don’t bother anyone.
I shut up and dwell on my thoughts and emotions. I’m right back to battling demons and praying for an exorcism.