Sometimes I think I am the worst person to be friends with. I have a hard time allowing people to get close to me and as a result I form one sided relationships. Many of my friends have even tried to break through that shield that I’ve put up. I know they are waiting on me to let them in. But I am still refusing. Even as I write this, one of my friends as been asking so where this is post. But I haven’t finished. I’m afraid of knowing what’s inside my head. I am afraid of them knowing my thoughts and feelings.

I do know that I love being available if they need me. If they want to go out for coffee I will make an effort to clear my calendar for them. I love to listen to what they have to say. I love getting excited with them and for them. I have a friend in a PhD program who I root on. If she needed help with databases and things like that I would help. I want to help. I have a few friends in their MA programs. I help them with edits.

But there is also jealousy in my part. A few of my friends have lost weight but I haven’t gone to see them because I’m scared of what I might look like in comparison to them. I already have my own body issues that I can’t take on additional self-comparisons. I know that we carry our body weight differently but I don’t see my weight loss but I can see theirs. I am jealous of those who are learning and getting their MAs (I already have my masters but I am greedy and selfish I want more). I am jealous of my friends who are out seeing the world (even though I travel every year).

I am very passive with the friendships that I build. I’m afraid that they won’t want to hang out with me if I ask or be interested in what I have to say if I want to speak. I even asked a few friends out to go camping. They said “sounds cool.” But I panicked and never planned anything. I hate being vulnerable. I hate asking for help and I have this idea that by establishing two sided relationships that I become dependent on them for my happiness and success. I’m afraid of them not being there when I need them but really they never know when I need them. Several of my friends have asked me to go hiking but I’m afraid to be alone with them because I would open up with everything that I am thinking and feeling. It’s not that I don’t want their support or ear but I am afraid of being judged.

I also know that I am flaky. And it’s not intentional at all. For example, my friend Crystal has had two parties that I’ve been invited to. Both times I have looked forward to them. I have been excited and shared that I am going to a party but when the time comes I allow myself to get inside my head and I end up not going allowing other stuff to come in between. It’s always work. I put work above everything else. And this is something that I am addressing when the time comes. And that time will come. I guarantee it. But that time is not now. So back to my friends. What many of them don’t know that I have to amp myself up to be able to go see them. I have breathing techniques that I practice before getting in the car, in the car while I’m driving, and that sometimes I sit in my car, outside their house just walking to myself and letting myself know that everything will be okay. But when it’s not okay, I question myself and the roles of friendships. I self-sabotage the friends that I’ve had for many years because I don’t know what else to do with them. I don’t understand how to establish new relationship boundaries with them.

In all my friendships I often saw myself as a hermit: coming and going as I pleased within the circle of friends. For example, with the Riverside crew I would see them maybe once or twice a year but they were my closest friends. I really don’t know them. I know that some have siblings and went to college. No idea where they went to college what the names of the siblings are. Some have pets but no idea what the names of the pets may be. I’m lost within the circle of friends. I am pretty much on the outskirts at this point because I don’t know how to rebuild/maintain these friendships. I wouldn’t even know how to ask for help if I tried.

I’m often asked why I was ever friends with the people from Riverside and it’s so funny because I could never answer the question. It was the same way I couldn’t answer the question as to why I ever dated Kevin… but now I can. Back then I was insanely jealous of their freedom, curiosity, laughter and passion. These are four things that I seriously lack. Even today! I’m scared of my own laugh. I rarely hear it. Most of the time that I laugh I’m with Andrew and it’s in secret. I don’t have the freedom that I desire because it’s still very abstract. I don’t know what my freedom looks like and I have a hard time understanding how to achieve my own freedom. I’m stuck. I no longer have, or maybe never had, that spark for life that I see in other people. I’m not passionate about anything and it feels pretty empty. So many people ask me don’t you wake up in the morning and feel happy and alive? Sorry but the fucking answer is no. I just wake up and start my day. I’m not happy or sad. I’m indifferent. Many of my friends are also curious beings and while I’m curious, I am not adventurous enough. I’m too quiet. I’m my fucking worst critic.

I realized a few weeks ago that I was riddled with resentment towards my friends and then later on with shame for resenting them. For the longest time I wondered why no one was there for me during my pregnancy. It was just my mother. I felt very abandoned. But how could anyone be there when I wasn’t talking about it? No one knew what was going on because I didn’t know how to open up. I laid in bed for almost six weeks and no one came. I think my closest confidants at that time were Crystal and Ciara, who is in England. But I couldn’t tell them everything and I was detached from it as well. How do you fix a problem when you are part of the problem?

I tried explaining this to my mother and that’s when it hit me. She yelled at me for expecting friends to be there for me. She said so herself, “You can’t count on friends. Friend’s don’t exist. I didn’t have friends. I have family. You always have family.” But that’s not true because even the few friends that I have and even if I don’t tell them everything they are closer to me and more accepting of them than family ever has. So what the fuck do I do now? I want to meet new people but don’t have a clue as to how. I want to mend my friendships but I don’t know how.