…at times I almost dream
I, too, have spent a life the sages’ way,
And tread once more familiar paths. Perchance
I perished in an arrogant self-reliance
Ages ago; and in that act, a prayer
For one more chance went up so earnest, so
Instinct with better light let in by death,
That life was blotted out-not so completely
But scattered wrecks enough of it remain,
Dim memories, as now, when once more seems
The goal in sight again…
– Parcelsus, Robert Browning
A few weeks I posted about my shaman experience. This time I want to post about how it has changed me in a matter of a week. After the session with Jon, Karen walked me to the car. As I left the hotel, the world seemed brighter and noisier but not because of people. Instead I could hear and feel nature. I felt warmed by the sun and cooled by the wind. And I wanted to go out and run and do lots of stuff. It was very overwhelming and stimulating. Right there and then I was ready to go buy items so I can start dyeing with natural dyes. Karen told me to go get a item that I could keep with me that would symbolize my jaguar. Not because he isn’t with me but because I needed a reminder once in a while. I found a store to buy my Jaguar token. A nice pendant with a small turquoise on it. I didn’t know what kind of rock/crystal/gem/mineral it was but I gravitated to it. Turns out it was an amber and it is meant to bring a care free, sunny disposition; promotes good luck and success; dissolve oppositions; and, turns out that in ancient times, amber was carried by travelers for protection. Karen also warned me of the monkey of self-doubt. He is the self critic who reminds us of all the reasons why not, all the things that could go wrong. He is at his most malicious when we don’t know what to do next.
After leaving Karen, I went to Andrew’s house. I’m not going to lie. I felt high on my way to Anaheim but I didn’t do any drugs. I was on cloud 9. I was calm, happy, and tired. I hadn’t realized that I was hungry. We went to Chili’s and I wanted a margarita. I didn’t end up having one because I already felt loopy from the shaman experience. But I did eat a rib eye steak and I ravaged it as a hungry lion would it’s prey. Afterwards, I went to sleep. It felt like I slept forever but it was only for about it hour. Andrew has been very supported through the process. I remember going to Barnes and Noble as I was looking for a book, Shaman’s Spirit by Mike Williams, which Andrew found for cheaper. I don’t know what else happened that day… I think on my last post I mentioned feeling the Jaguar lay on my bed with me as I slept.
The next morning I woke up energized. I went outside and felt the warmth of the sun. I stretched and stretched until I was ready to run. And it felt good. By mile three I was tired and ready to stop but then I felt something push me, I could only assume that it was the Jaguar pushing me. I could hear the crows even though I had headphones on. I could only smile at my new sense of hearing and touch. As I was finishing my run, I could no longer feel the Jaguar but I knew he was still with me as I approached my car. Right where I had parked my car, there were tiny cat paw prints. When I got home, Karen had texted me saying that it was time for me to create my mythical toilet. So that afternoon while walking with Robyn I picked up pine cones, berries, rocks, anything that I felt a connection with. I came home and asked my parents if they would be planting this year but due to the California drought they would not. So I went searching for a place and lo and behold!! Another cat walked by me, this time circling and then jumping and stopping at this one small place. I created my mythical toilet there.
Once I was finished with my mythical toilet, I was ready to move on to my ancestor altar. I bought lots of healing stones to represent the many influences in my life such as the woman in my past life who was poisoned, my grandparents, my parents, my siblings, babies, etc. It took me an entire hour to select the stones and then a week to decide where my altar would be placed, finally I just set it on a table. (I don’t light it often maybe once a week when I think it is appropriate. I open my windows and let the light and air in. It feels good.) Many of my stones are for the challenges my family faces, in theory, if I could give something to my family it would be these specific stones. I identified key issues that we have. For example, I bought five unakite jaspers because both sets of grandparents and my great-grandmother need(ed) help healing deep-seated feelings that have been repressed, such as anger and resentment. This pain has been passed out to an additional four generations and I hope that at least for me I can put an end to it.
My first real challenge was going back to work. I thought I would struggle but I didn’t. I stepped out of my car and stretched again. All of a sudden I felt a need to stretch all the time. Nothing happened at work. I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t feel anger or anxiety. I felt at peace, a sort of acceptance of where I am. Not that this is where I am ending up. I no longer felt confined to my workplace. I didn’t feel trapped anymore. I am simply laying in wait. Patiently.
Things that are changing:
- All of a sudden I had the urge to buy tea and drink it. I stopped drinking coffee. Cold turkey. I stopped drinking coke. My body no longer desired it. Just like that. I felt renewed.
- I wake up in the middle of the night with ideas to create art.
- I want to go outside and pick up seeds even though I may be in pjs. I pick up seeds at work. I know I will use them soon but no idea in what.
- I want to go running and not stop.
- I need to go to Mexico. I don’t know why yet. But I need to.