So many things have happened that I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and process all that is going on. I’ll just make bullet points and hope I don’t forget anything. Sorry for the typos. I’m just trying to get everything down.
- I have a new job. That’s right. I left my crappy job back in August 2015. I’ve been at this new crappy job for 8 months now. Yay…? *tear* Here is the thing, I left an unstable job but at least I had the confidence to know that I really was doing something amazing. I believed in myself. I was confident in my decision-making skills. I used to write grants, teach, and work with amazing people. At this new job. I don’t do anything without approval. I was alone for the first 4 months. I was attacked on my first day and the cops never came. That’s right, they never came. I still think about this when I hear the police sirens. And the stress levels here are ungodly. I’ve become a paper pusher where if I don’t answer an e-mail within 5 minutes the world will collapse. I’m constantly stressed out and fearing for my life. I’ve become one giant ball of nerves. I am not allowed to make decisions not even when trying to purchase toner for the printer. I have to plead my case for new toner and then have my new male coworker go check on the printer and then have him say “YES Angie is right. The printer does in fact need toner.” I fucking gave up and the office hasn’t been able to print in over two weeks. The good news is that I have 4 months left before I leave this place and 3 months until I give my notice.
- I applied to grad school again. It’s been hell on earth. The schools lost my transcripts. I had to reorder them and that was a nightmare. Well first, the first time I ordered transcripts from one school, their system went down while I was paying for the transcripts because everything is via the Internet. So I ordered them, the money was taken from me and I had an order confirmation BUT the school didn’t get the memo. So I had to harass them for my “free” transcripts. Then, I didn’t hear back from those who were writing my letters of recommendation. One of my letters was not on letterhead so it was not a valid recommendation. Then, crazy enough… somehow my residency was being questioned by both schools. I had to submit so much paper work to prove that I am a state resident. Here is the list of everything I submitted (copies, of course): my birth certificate, my passport, my taxes for the past 10 years, my car insurance, my car registration, my state driver’s license (all three of them, two expired), and a letter from the county’s voting registration office. One school hasn’t received my final transcript and that’s the school that I really want to go to. I spoke with the History Department Head and he said YES YOU LOOK GREAT JUST SUBMIT THAT LAST TRANSCRIPT AND YOU ARE IN!!!! But where the fuck is that last transcript? I’m waiting.
- I quit dancing and running. I couldn’t handle the stress from my job, the commute, and then go try and learn something new. I would often feel sick, sleepy, and just stupid that I couldn’t get the dance steps or choreography. My brain just feels like it’s running at max capacity all the time. I had to give up dance despite the fact that I enjoyed dancing. It took me like 3 or 4 years to feel a part of the group and then I left. It has been really sad for me. Then running. I haven’t run in so many months. I get really sad when I try and run. I just get really sad. Sad enough that I don’t want to get out of bed. For example, this morning I set up my alarm for 7AM I don’t actually need to get up for work until 8:30AM. Well anyway, I set up my alarm every day for 7AM so I have at least 1 hour to work. Today I just laid in bed awake thinking about having to go to work. BUT on a positive note, I walked 4 times this week. I finally got on the treadmill after 16 months. Last time I went on the damn thing, I fell off. Well anyway, I’ve slowly been walking and running on it. Regaining my strength because I have two half marathons coming up in September. I hate the idea of not running because I enjoy it. I am alone sometimes more than an hour and I can cry and let out whatever I feel.
- I started working on my prep classes for the teaching credential. I took one class this semester. I will be taking summer off to focus on my CSET (three exams) and Constitution exam and then hopefully going back to the classes (only 13 more to go!). I have five years to complete the program so we shall see where I am in five years. For the 8 weeks of my class, it was the first time I actually enjoyed going into work because I would wake up super early (5AM) in order to get ready to go to the high school or middle school, I’d do my teaching thing and then go to work. I was definitely having a moment, oh I’m doing what I actually like doing because I go to work with kids and history. Hurrah! I even made 7-dozen cookies for my classes! But now it’s over. Hopefully in autumn, I will know what the hell is happening in my life.
- I’m going to Europe in September. I should know whether or not I would be attending school in the fall. If it happens, great; if not, well I’ll just go to Europe and call it a year. Fuck it. But back to Europe, I am excited to report that Andrew and I will be flying into Dublin and then flying to Prague and then taking the train to Munich (YES, during Oktoberfest!! And YES I already have our hotel room) then to Amsterdam, and then Paris, where I will be running the inaugural half marathon at Disneyland Paris, and then to Liverpool to see the ever wonderful Ciara and Mark and then to Edinburgh. There is so much to see and do and money to spend and I don’t care! When I come back I won’t have a job. YAY!!!
- I had a small/major emotional breakdown a few weeks ago. It was the first time in a long time that I admitted to myself that I was having suicidal thoughts. I should also say that I DON’T ever plan or believe that I could act on those thoughts. This is just me admitting that all the stress, anxiety, identity loss and the feeling of being overwhelmed finally got to me and that one of the many solutions I was thinking about included death. For me that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was watching my parents see me as this vulnerable person because my family sees vulnerability as a weakness. So you can imagine the support I received in this moment of “weakness.” Ultimately, my parents think I am going to end up in a mental institution because I can’t handle my shit. But the truth is I have so much unnecessary shit to handle that I can’t tell what’s really important. By the way, my parents keep saying that I have to get better soon because what is going to happen when I have kids (I’m infertile by the way but they don’t seem to want to believe that) and have to deal with real world problems.
- I’m developing dermatillomania. I have been picking at my face, legs, shoulders, and inner thighs. Sometimes I don’t even know that I am doing it. I mostly do it when I am driving to and from work. Sometimes in the shower and sometimes when I am sleeping. Yeah, you read that right. I pick at my scabs when I am sleeping. So I am working on writing or coloring in my stress books to see if I can stop or lessen the problem. Basically I am a mess and need help.
- I miss Kevin. What?! I know, I know. Now I have to say that it has nothing to do with Andrew because I am quite happy in the boyfriend department. I miss my friendship with Kevin. I miss the geeky part of myself that Kevin understood. I miss playing World of Warcraft. I miss reading Warcraft lore and then texting super fast like OMG did you know that … *insert WoW trivia here* There is a movie coming out and I’m not excited about it as there is no reason to be excited about it. Who would I be excited with? Most likely I won’t be watching it in theaters, as I don’t like going to the movies. I miss talking about the Lord of the Rings mythology with someone who understood my inner geek. He understood my need to watch a LOTRs marathon. It’s odd, I get it but before Kevin I was a closeted geek. While we were together, it was the first time I had the opportunity to embrace my geekiness and it was a major part of my life for 8 years and now 5 years later, I miss it. And ultimately, I miss interacting with friends on a daily basis. I spend roughly 6/7 days alone and feel that loneliness. It’s so hard to see friends as many of them are in school, pregnant, or in adult relationships now.
- If you haven’t heard, I love quilting! Yes, the idea of making hand-made blankets for people is great. I get a rush from picking out fabric, designing quilts (like have you seen my Quilter’s Planner?!), cutting and sewing fabric but I don’t have time/endless financial source to make more than 1 quilt a month. I’ve mostly been making baby quilts. A few of my friends are having babies and I’ve been working on getting over my infertility issue by creating quilts. I cry sometimes and have my own baby quilts waiting to be made knowing that they most likely will never be made. But I work through it.
- I have a dilemma with my family. My oldest niece is thinking about college. She will be a junior in high school in August. This summer she was admitted to the Frontier Program at Worcester Polytechnic Institute in Massachusetts. I am excited for her. But I am also annoyed that I got a text message asking for financial help. No phone call, no update as to how she is doing. Just a text asking for money. In fact I haven’t seen her since Memorial Day of last year. She needs $6,000 for the two-week program (the program says less than $3,000 but she is flying in from Arizona, and needs someone to take her). I am torn with giving her money now and then not having money for when she does go off to college. I made her the promise of a post-high school trip and paying for her books while in college. I keep thinking, is two weeks really worth $6,000? I am really torn because I am not her parent and I am not obligated to give her any money. A part of me wants to give her the money. I have $6,000 in my saving. I could give her the money but this is my rainy day fund and she is not my child/godchild. This morning I began to process what my issue really was. I think back to my childhood and my issue with my aunts and uncles. They didn’t really care about me. They still don’t. Why do I care so much about my niece and nephew? I compare what I am willing to spend and what was spent on me. I keep thinking back to when I was 8-ish and being sent to Mexico. I think about how no one said no, don’t disrupt the family. We will care for them in this country. Instead of being 1000+ miles away, you will only be 60 miles away. We will open our doors to you. I think back at how aunts and uncles on welfare would go to Cancun, Magic Mountain, etc while my immediate family didn’t have food. I think back at that time that one of my uncles asked my dad for $1,000 in order to buy his daughter a car and I was car-less or that time another uncle asked my dad to co-sign for his son’s college ($40,000 per year) and I was stuck with my own personal loans for college. BTW, my cousin dropped out within the first 6 month.Oh, what about that time another uncle asked my dad for $500 to take his family on a vacation but I was wearing hand me down clothes from my sister who is 8.5 years older than me. I think back at this and I get really pissed off. There isn’t anything I can do about it but it’s obvious that I am still pissed off about it. I think about what would happen to my nieces and nephew if their parents weren’t here. I know that I would step in and find a way to care for them. But now that I am faced with a financial request and I keep thinking how much can I give now and not feel bad about giving to little?
EDIT: I just got an e-mail notifying me that I got accepted into one of my schools. Being alone makes it very anti-climactic.