- I am back in school! OMG yay!!! *cheers all around* I am very excited as you can see. I am working on my MA for History. After much debate and jumping through hoops, I decided on the school that gave me the biggest trouble BECAUSE they gave me trouble! The other school was mum on what was “wrong” with my application. By the way nothing was “wrong” except that I had to prove I was a USA citizen and a CA resident. No big deal right?! Well $100 later in copies of 10 years worth of taxes, voting registration tabs, jury duty pink slips, birth certificate, my passport, social security number, two expired CA driver license, a current CA driver license, car insurance proof for the past 10 years, and a day off work, I am finally a CA resident according to the school. I spoke with the Graduate adviser for both schools and my second choice was really a better fit for me. So I am pleased with my decision. You know what the best part is? I had actually taken two classes last summer in order to get letters of recommendation. So those two classes count towards my degree. I only have 10 more classes to go!
- I quit my non-profit job. I wish I could say how much I grew and learned so much. Blah blah blah BUT fuck it. Want to know what I learned? Absolutely nothing! My boss had a medical issue and I was left running the joint. I made sure bills were paid, grants were submitted, reports on old grants were submitted, I was hiring people. I made sure everyone was paid. I learned that I can run someone else’s business, someone else’s vision and mission. That is it. But it has nothing to do what I wanted in life. In fact, I was more stressed out than ever before because I was working from 7AM – 6PM, for the same wage because I was salary. And what was worse, my boss called every single day and never once spoke to me. She would only speak to my co-worker and bitch about me. When she came back, I was accused of going after her job and then!! going through her office. My advise to those interested in non-profit is to run away. Far, far away from non-profit. They bleed you dry because they know you are a good person and that you want to help people. It feels good to help people. However, feeling good about how I help people doesn’t pay the bills. And in the end, I didn’t feel good. I felt stuck. I was resentful towards those I was helping because it went from please help me to I am entitled and you will help me.
- I am working on being grounded. My first step is to create a
“safe space.” I don’t mean one of those places or ideas were “triggers” can’t happen. Actually I have no fucking idea what that means. So this is what I mean for me. My safe space is a meditation area.sacred space. A place where I can go for 30 minutes a day and reflect on what is best for my life and commute with what I believe in. This might be breathing, yoga, or working on developing my own sacred ideals. Many of you know that my Catholic heritage only allows for two types of women: Eve and Mary. This was the main reason that I left the Catholic Church on my 15th birthday as I was being blessed by the priest. I refused communion to the horror or my family. I refused to believe that I was only allowed two types of behavior. So instead I said fuck it and didn’t look back. This seems to be a common way of dealing with my life. So here I am trying to discover about other goddesses and feminine creators and destroyers. I have a little patch of land (ahahaha) that will eventually have a “zen garden.” My parents paid a gardener to clean the area for me. Once I get a job, I will be adding rocks, a moon gate, a bench, an altar, and a few mural paintings. - I just came back from Europe where I had a lot of fun with Andrew. We began our trip in Dublin. It felt great to be back. Is it weird that it sorta felt like home? I stayed in the same hostel as before (2012) and walked down same streets. I loved it tremondously because of the familiarity. I also realized that I was looking for that familiarity. Ever since I went to the Shaman, I am constantly aware of what might have been home (you know, before this life). After Dublin, we headed to Prague. Prague was beautiful but hot. I didn’t feel at home in Prague and I don’t think I’d ever want to move there. But the architectue is amazing. We went to Munich for Oktobest. Yes… THE Oktoberfest and honestly, it wasn’t all that amazing. #sorrynotsorry What was amazing was the mustard, the cappuchino, the concentration camp, the market, and the brauhaus. I really want pretzel stud earrings. Hah! After Munich we went to Amsterdam (yes again, 2009) were I did not get high. WHAT!!? I know. I did enjoy the food and the sites. I went shopping for fabric and then the cheese. Oh man, the cheese, and the crepes, and the 5KG of Nutella jars. I want one of those jars because I’d like to make a lamp. I kind of remind myself of that time I wanted a hamburger landline phone. Anyhoo, then Disneyland Paris (2009, as well) for the half marathon. I’d like to forget about that because it was a disaster from start to finish. Poor Disneyland Paris. I don’t know what’s wrong with you but you are a sad place. You need lots of love. Then Liverpool with Ciara and Mark who I miss! I got to meet their son and he is adorable. I really like Liverpool and the working class ambiance. I definately feel at home there. Maybe it’s just because it’s near friends. And then Scotland, I spent so much money in Scotland. I fell in love with the city (despite it’s poop stories) and I want to go back and actually tour the country. I feel a little confident in driving around. I was exhausted by the end of the trip. I don’t know if I can do that again since I am getting older. Maybe one country for 3 weeks, maybe some airb&bs. Maybe a car, maybe my own pace. Maybe I should say fuck it and go to a Hawaiian resort.
- I’m slowly working on getting my life back on track. And by on track I mean healthy. I am not working at the moment, focusing on school but I know that I need to do more. I started group therapy! I have decided to stop dancing folklorico. I am done. I love dancing but I am not interested in performing. I just want to learn and enjoy myself. I’m working out one hour a day and enjoying my meals without technology. I love waking up, going for a walk, breathing fresh air, coming home, making breakfast, cleaning, showering, wearing dresses (GASP), studying and quilting. Then lunch and school. I really am enjoying myself. I even have made plans (some have fizzled out) to meet with friends and explore new things or old things as an adult. Tomorrow I am apple picking and picking out a pumpkin. Thursday I have a guild meeting and on Friday I am being whisked away to San Francisco. Let’s make San Francisco memorable.
- As many of you know this time of year is very hard for me because of my miscarriage/abortion. It hasn’t been as hard as other years but I also am taking care of myself. I’ve decided to power through it by celebrating Halloween. It’s been five years since I dressed up or carved a pumpkin. So the plan is to buy a pumpkin tomorrow, hand out candy on Halloween, carve my pumpkin, and then the following Saturday I have a Halloween party. I’m dressing up as a witch. =) On November 10th, the anniversary of Anya’s death, I plan on going to Cabrillo State Monument in San Diego. Nothing fancy, just to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. This is hard for those around me because they just want to see me happy. I mean don’t we all want to be happy? But negative emotions exists and not being able to attend them only makes it worse.
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