Last week my therapist asked about my relationship with Andrew. My words were “yeah, yeah, it’s, it’s, okay…?” And now that I see it, hear it and read it, it sounds horrible. It sounds like I’m settling for okay. The problem is that I have allowed myself to become passion-less. And the problem isn’t me. It’s the view-point of others that say without passion, I can’t have what I desire. Which is not the case at all.
I really like my relationship with Andrew. I enjoy my relationship with Andrew. I say this just as much as I get frustrated and annoyed with him. I like that I know that on Thursdays and Sundays I get to see him. I like that once a week we end up at Downtown Disney where I can go window shop in the little art gallery while I sip on a vanilla latte or eat a French “donut thing” while window shopping, again, at the World of Disney store. I enjoy routine. I enjoy the familiarity. It calms me. Once I feel comfortable and safe then I can expand and relax and just be myself. But I need to feel safe first before I can discover something new or to allow people in. And I’m still learning with Andrew, still getting comfortable and each passing day it’s more and more. I can let him know if I’m upset; hell I can even cry in front of him. I can laugh to the point of tears and then hyperventilation which very few people have ever witnessed. Most unnatural
But what about passion within myself and within my relationship with Andrew? Why is it simply “okay”? Why am I not jumping for joy? What’s wrong with feeling okay?
Absolutely nothing. Not because it is passion-less but because I don’t define passion as a positive. Passion is obsession. Obsession is losing control while thinking you are in control. Look what passion did to Van Gogh. The guy ended up losing an ear and a gun-shot to the head. Sure, he is considered one of the greatest painters but the guy is dead and lead a messed up life. Passionate people scare me as often the actions that translate are negative. This may not be the experience with most people but it is for me.
I had a passionate boss for almost three years (that’s 32 months or 25 days short of 1,000) . Every day was hell. The bitch was cray, cray. Her passion was an obsession. She was obsessed with her work. She was unable to let go until the bitter end. If things didn’t go her way, she would tell people she would slit her neck, her wrists, she would drive off the side of the road, etc. IT IS NEVER OKAY TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE WITH SUICIDAL TALK. And for that matter IT IS NEVER OKAY TO THINK THE OTHER PERSON IS “JUST JOKING”. Maybe I was crazy too for staying and taking the abuse. Maybe I’ll look back on this particular job and laugh.
I’m totally lying to myself. It will never be okay what I have gone through. Someday I will have a proper tribute to this boss but today isn’t the day.
I lack passion and this bothers people. But. That’s. Okay. I have to accept that my point of view is okay. I could care less about passion. I want intimacy. Passion wanes so quickly while intimacy takes a long time to grow. My intimacy, my ability to be vulnerable, is still developing. It’s hard for me to trust people. It’s hard to depend on another human being. But I’m working on it. And even if things don’t work out between Andrew and me (and I?), it will still be okay because I’m one step closer to accepting help, trusting, and being vulnerable.