After reading and then re-reading my post about being depressed, I realized that I needed help finding myself. I had been doing really well until I started comparing myself to other people. I kept asking myself why my successes were constantly being over looked. In a pathetic need for validation I decided to read two letters of recommendation that were written for me at the end of 2013. Both authors of these letters said I didn’t have a desire for praise. Over the years this assumption has been made, more than once: “She doesn’t need praise or recognition. Her humility speaks volumes.” This isn’t true. Not even close. I fucking LOVE praise.
My problem isn’t that I don’t want the praise. I don’t know how to receive it. My body language is to cringe whenever someone takes notice. If someone says, “hey I had a great time with one of your programs” I always say it could have been better or thank you but I didn’t do anything and someone else did all the hard work. WHICH IS A LIE!!! Ugh, I’m hating myself right now for even admitting this. I don’t like to be praised because I’m afraid of it going to my head. I have seen so many of my friends become cocky and arrogant. But if I don’t take credit for my own work, someone else will. It’s time to end all that cringe worthy reaction because I would like to be able to communicate effectively as to how I want to be praised. Someone saying to a big ass group of people how fantastic I am isn’t going to make me happy HOWEVER if they say hey let me buy you a cup of coffee for that hard work, I’ll definitely say yes, please buy me that skinny vanilla latte (baby steps, my friends, baby steps and I don’t care that they said coffee I want my damn latte).
So I decided to jump on the bandwagon of happiness and success for 100 Days. I doubt I will actually participate in any of these communities but I can take what I need. So I will post pictures on my own blog (about what brings me happiness or the feeling of success on that particular day) because it’s a journey, my journey through a different kind of wonderland but a wonderland no less! My beginning date will be Wednesday, May 28th because of the end date: Friday, September 5th AKA my 30th birthday! So stay tuned… What will make me happy or successful on May 28th.